Monday, October 5, 2015

Wild Pigs in Suburbia

You know you live in Texas when this shows up in your neighborhood email blast:

I live in suburbia! What are wild pigs doing in my neighborhood? Further discussion on the message board revealed that some unwitting neighbor had been spreading corn to attract deer ... but instead she got a sounder of hogs.

Wild pigs are gross. Actually, they are delicious (courtesy of some bow-hunting friends), but the idea of bristle-haired hogs rooting around my neighborhood creeps me out.

Imagine you're minding your own business at the neighborhood playground, reading Kinfolk while your kids are being super nice to all the other kids, when suddenly this bursts from the underbrush and eats everyone.

Peekaboo from behind the R.O.U.S via

Ok, that's actually a 781-lb monster boar from Turkey, but even the 100-400lb version found in Texas scares me. (Side note: never go to Turkey.) I hate how smart they are and how they get more vicious and feral with every generation removed from human association. It's like their species is an allegory for moral decay. I can't even bring myself to buy Boar's Head deli products because the logo gives me nightmares. 

Because the hellish face of a boar accompanied by the company's name in Dracula's favorite font will inspire me to purchase succulent deli meats and unctuous cheeses.

I asked Nathan what he thought about boar. He said, "It's a bore." What a joker.

Nathan: "Is this where you start obnoxiously typing everything I say?"

Yes, Nathan, yes it is.

Other boar facts:

-They have "lightning speed" and "razor sharp tusks" (exact words from the Texas Parks and Wildlife feral hogs info page). Just a reminder that a typical lightning bolt moves at 224,000 mph, so move quick if a boar is charging you! Too late, you're dead. Struck by boar lightning.

-Their tusks grow continuously. Like a rat's.

-They have poor eyesight, but keen senses of hearing, smell, and humor.

-Wild hogs can carry "pseudorabies," a swine herpes virus (not transmittable to humans, but your pets are susceptible so watch out for any Capulet/Montague kisses).

-Groups of swine, or "sounders," are led by a matriarch and consist of barren sows and mothers with young (feminist pigs! A foil to male chauvinist pigs?).

-Sows have been known to eat their young in poor habitat conditions.

-The feral pig population of Texas is estimated to be over 2 million.

-The meat of some uncastrated male hogs is afflicted by "boar taint," a foul smell and taste rumored to be rank enough to curl Nancy Pelosi's hair.

-In Greek mythology, boars were often sent as merchants of godly vengeance.

Here's a picture of some feral hogs looking cute, because this is a balanced and unbiased blog free of prejudice against anything or anyone, including these vile little suburbia pig monsters.

Taken when they weren't in "lightning mode." via

Later message board updates included reports that a pack of coyotes had engaged the wild boar in a skirmish. The coyotes were said to possess "katana fangs" and "tsunami strength."
What do you think? Should we heli-hunt these intelligent, vicious beasts in order to halt their trajectory towards becoming our barbarous masters? Should we continue hobby bow-hunting them for our homemade pepperoni in complacency? Or is there a wild hog Jane Goodall who can tell us of their nobility and quiet strength? These questions cannot be answered until the shroud of mysteriousness surrounding these fearsome creatures is parted, come what may.


  1. Wild hogs are a huge issue for sure, and it's not getting any better. They tear up ranch land, kill calves and cost Ranchers millions a year in Texas. Definitely an issue that isn't going away anytime soon.


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