Tuesday, February 10, 2015

How to Save Your Marriage ... From a Dragon!

To start off, let me remind you that I have a degree in Marriage and Family Studies, so I know stuff. My dragon expertise comes from watching the movie Dragonheart several times as a child.

The institution of marriage is under attack. Yes, yes, of course divorce is always lurking in shadows, but let's talk about a more pressing threat to your marriage:

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DRAGONS!!!
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Do you want to dragon-proof your marriage? Of course you do. Then put your marriage certificate in a fire-proof safe and follow these five simple strategies that will protect your marriage from any dragon.

I WILL DESOLATE YOUR MARRIAGE!!!

1. Don't plan your date night next to a dragon lair. Decrease the chances of having your marriage decimated by a fiery blast from a dragon's maw by avoiding the scaly beast's neighborhood. I don't care if you have a coupon to the Macaroni Grill across the street from his cave--you're going to have to downgrade to Olive Garden if you want to save your marriage. Send Frodo if you're dying for some of the peasant bread.

2. Have sex more often. Dragons are prudes; they'll stay away.

3. Communication. Use "I feel _____ when you _____" statements. Example: "I feel paralyzed by fear when your giant green eyeball appears outside my kitchen window while we're discussing the family budget." Contrary to what Smaug would have you think, dragons aren't mind-readers! Communicate your needs and feelings.

4. Discover the dragon's love language. Distract the dragon from his physical hunger by feeding his heart. Does your dragon prefer words of affirmation? You and your spouse could sit down and write a little note of appreciation that he hasn't eaten you thus far. Does the behemoth, winged reptile respond well to gifts? Offer your neighbor's annoying dog as a little treat to tide her over while you make your escape. Physical touch? Tough luck!

5. Share the burden. If you want your marriage to survive a brutal dragon assault, make sure you're both doing your part. One spouse can't be expected to chart the dragon's movements and feeding patterns, practice defensive archery, and patch the flame-retardant battlements around your suburban starter home all on their own! Negotiate a mutually beneficial dragon-chore-chart ("I'll mop up the carnage from last night's attack on our ill-prepared neighbors if you spray the lawn with male dragon urine*!" "Ok!"). When it comes to not becoming the next meal for a flying lizard of death, it takes two.

You love each other. You don't want your bones crushed into powder and your flesh ripped to tatty ribbons by the massive, sawlike teeth of a wyvern. Save your marriage from dragons.

*A common dragon repellant, although only effective on male dragons.

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