Sunday, May 4, 2014

What Kind of Legume are You?

I've been seeing a bunch of time-wasting quizzes all over Facebook lately, with topics like What is your mental age?, Are you a hipster? (if you have to ask ...), or other really deep topics, like What sea creature are you?

These remind me of the quizzes in the Girls' Life magazine I subscribed to as a teenager, except more pointless. At least the GL quizzes told me things actually relevant to my life (What's your dream first date? An afternoon at a bookstore perusing the poetry section followed by a casual dinner at the new Asian fusion crêperie downtown!!!). The quizzes I see popping up on my Facebook feed, courtesy of my friends with shameful amounts of free time, are ridiculous.

So I decided to make my own. Here it is, a wonderful opportunity for deeper insight into the darkest recesses of your psyche ...


Let's begin.

1. What kind of first impression do you usually give?

A. I'm nice, but also a little intimidating because I have all these wonderfully unique and hip interests (I love obscure bands, I speak an indigenous language, and/or I pull off a dramatic haircut).
B. I'm a lovable weirdo.
C. I don't really leave a first impression ... I'm like a shy, boring, misty shadow.
D. I'm, like, super great. Everyone. Loves. Me. And. My. Hair.
E. I'm down to earth and easy to relate to.

2. Your greatest weakness?

A. My uniqueness makes people uncomfortable.
B. I've accidentally killed a few people.
C. I'm soooo boring. After I'm done taking this quiz I'm going to go think about cardboard.
D. I'm a little hormonal.
E. I don't like to rock the boat.

3. What is your dream pair of shoes?

A. An ironic pair of geta sandals.
B. Barefoot, everywhere.
C. Black Mary Janes.
D. Peep-toe wedge booties.
E. Chuck Taylors.

4. What is your life's ambition?
A. To travel this exciting world.
B. To get Joss Whedon to autograph my baby.
C. To live with complete integrity.
D. To acquire as many fans and possessions as possible.
E. To be a kind person.

5. Would you rather be:
A. Pressure cooked.
B. Dry roasted.
C. Boiled.
D. Raw.
E. Steamed.


Mostly A's: You are the sweet and exotic adzuki bean. You're uniqueness is attractive, but can also be off-putting if you don't make an effort to relate to others and their ordinariness. You are most compatible with Turtlenecks (see the What kind of Mom-wear from the 80's are you? quiz).

My hand is fatter in real life.

Mostly B's: You are the peanut. You are nutty and don't really fit in with the crowd, but you are also friggin' delicious when coated in chocolate, so there's that. Everyone loves you (except when they are deathly allergic to you).


Mostly C's: You are the noble, long-suffering lentil. People think you are lame and boring at first, but when they get to know you, they appreciate your solid friendship and dependability. You are a hard worker.


Mostly D's: You are edamame, a sociopath in an approachable, fuzzy green shell. You are a social predator who feeds off the aspirations and insecurities of others. An Instagramming exhibitionist, you delight in your on-trend superiority. Your nemesis is the chickpea.

There's a reason you've been in my fridge for over a year.

Mostly E's: You are the humble chickpea, the everyman of legumes. You are a friends to everyone, and your adaptability is your greatest strength. You bring out the best in those around you.

Three chickpeas, talking about their weekend.

What legume are you?


Also, we have a giveaway winner! JANET! Mr. Toot Toot Toucan is yours (I'm also throwing in a special treat for you, because I don't believe in giving babies presents without also acknowledging their mothers). Email me your shipping address and I'll send Toot Toot your way!


  1. I think I am a peanut. As in NUTS. See my latest post about wasting time on your electronics. (hence, the reason why I don't take ANY of those surveys and why I don't have a smartphone.)
    And don't try my lentil loaf. It's disgusting.

  2. What! woot woot! This is fabulous! Ill send you a message! i am a chickpea!

  3. I loved this! So much more useful to know which legume I am, vs. which 90's teen heartthrob I should be dating. I believe I am a chick pea, which is fantastic. Everyone likes hummus, so I feel good about that. But I feel for those edamames. I actually like them, so I hope they know the bad feelings are only going one way.

  4. Again, haha haha!! Olivia kept asking me what was so funny.

  5. I just love all your blogs. Congrats on the baby. Sorry for the sickness. Congrats on the new house. Sorry that I don't comment more. You are..great.


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