Monday, April 21, 2014

Things I've Stolen

-Halloween candy, from my sisters. Let's just call this "assisted sharing." I'm pretty sure you get extra credit for ignorant benevolence. Warning to my sisters: if you get mad about it now, you lose all eternal benefits. You may also consider it my efforts to help you avoid childhood obesity. Every calorie I ate was one you didn't have to! (also I may have read your diaries a few times ... although you both were horrible at writing regularly so the only significant thing I gleaned from those pages was enduring guilt)

-Sports bra, from the Centennial High School girls' locker room lost and found bin. I had have this weird complex about exercising in non-sports bras. I can't do. Hate it. I might die if I do it. One day in the locker room after school, while getting changed for soccer practice, I noticed I'd forgotten my sports bra. CRISIS. For some reason I thought theft would be better than just keeping my regular bra on. I skulked over to the lost and found bin, a treasure trove of sweat and lycra, hoping no one was watching me paw through its contents. I found a white, Champion-brand sports bra that looked like it would fit. Apparently wearing someone else's used gym bra wasn't as bad as getting my own underwire bra sweaty ... give me a break, my frontal lobe hadn't finished developing. I was just going to borrow it for that day, and it had probably been in there forever, I rationalized. Then I put it on. It was super comfy, my friends. You know how valuable that is in a bra. Naturally, I had to take it home after practice to wash it! Then I figured I may as well leave it in my locker in case I forgot my own again. Then the season ended and I took it home--its owner had forgotten it long ago, surely! No harm, no red card! Then I kept it for eight more years. Then I descended a guilt- and drug-fueled spiral into America's hellish underworld, a dark place ruled by slick-talking immigrant mobsters and the broken women who love them. Then I realized I still had the darn bra and felt guilty about the last eight years I've been living in mammarial sin. What do I do about it now? It is, believe it or not, still a comfy bra, even after motherhood has, ahem, shifted my size. It's like the bra of requirement. Should I burn it, on principle (thus channeling both my moral and feminist impulses)? Donate a new sports bra to a needy high school athlete? Tell me what to do.

I might be wearing it in this picture ... don't look closely, perv!

-A gallon of milk, accidentally, from Kroger. I was shopping with my double stroller, and I forgot about the milk in the bottom basket. I got home and realized my Cheerios would be made with devil milk for the next week. Hopefully the dark creatures I've started seeing out of the corner of my eye disappear when I repay Kroger this week.

This is not how it happened. (Or when, if you notice my pre-baby hair and body.)

-Downton Abbey episodes, from the internet. I couldn't wait! I had to know how Lady Mary was recovering as a widow, I just had to! And what of Edith's lost lover? I couldn't wait another month like the rest of America to find out. Why should the Brits get to see it before me? Doesn't the 4th of July mean anything? But now I feel guilty. As an aspiring author I should be more sensitive to intellectual property. Maybe the best way to make it up is to go watch a bunch of commercials on PBS so they get the advertising revenue I cheated them out of.

I bet you they read each others' diaries.

-All the songs from mix CDs made by high school friends. There's something so charming about a set of songs curated by your best friends. There's the "Songs from my heart" mix by Roseanne*, and the best soundtrack mix ever, culled by my friend Guillermo* to help me through a breakup. And I can't forget that I have Enrique Iglesias' entire Insomniac album burned illegally in my itunes. (*names changed to protect the pirates.) I will delete them all this week, as this blog is my witness.

I bet he can't sleep because he stole some Milk Maid caramels from the bulk bin.

Really, I feel guilty about everything but the milk, because that was an honest mistake. What do you do about mistakes you simply can't make restitution for?

What have you stolen? Feel free to comment anonymously, unless you are an Asian robot trolling my blog.
 

7 comments:

  1. One of my babies stole a toy from Target. No joke, I got home and one of those little toys from the dollar bin was in her carseat!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha! All that stuff is practically begging to get snatched and hidden in a carseat!

      Delete
  2. A few thoughts:
    I was expecting the worse one of them all to be on your list, but alas it wasn't, so I will spill the beans. You stole a SLC Temple envelope. For those of you who are LDS, you will know what I am talking about. For those of you that aren't, just know that Kim is going to hell for that one. :)
    Also, I can't believe you ate my candy and you are as bad as mom. At least she would pay me back after eating the Reese's that I had saved for 7 months that didn't taste good any more but she would still get me another. Hmmmm, maybe I had something good going there.
    Sorry, my life wasn't very sordid. No juicy details in my diary. You would discover that I cared more about where we went for dinner on my baptism day than I did the feelings I felt that day. Or that I used to think mom and dad were sooooo unfair. Or that my diary's name was Ben, named after an elementary school crush named Ben Foote.
    As for things I have stolen. Well, I almost stole some batteries that I gave B to play with at the store, but I remembered in the parking lot and went back in. I too have watched Downton Abbey, but honestly, is that bad? PBS is free! I wouldn't watch it when it came out here because it plays on Sunday. Which commandment came first? Keep the Sabbath day holy or don't steal? Anyway, loved the post. I laughed out loud about seeing dark creatures out of the corners of your eyes. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ok, I returned that envelope eventually, even though I wanted to keep it as a memento of my wedding day. I will buy you some Reese'ses(sp?) when we are next together.

      Delete
  3. When I was little (younger than 8) I would take the candy from the self serve scoop area where it had fallen between the containers and I would eat it. Lucky it was before I was really accountable. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow, those are bad! Haha, you know I'm kidding. Rather than own up to my own transgressions, I'll share some from another person I know, who may or may not live with me. This person will sample grapes from the grocery store, and justify it by saying that he needs to make sure they're good before he wants to buy them. (Side note: he rarely buys them.) Same goes for bulk bin stuff. Unbelieveable, right?? I always pretend I'm shopping alone when he does this... :)

    And in the same vein here, will you please settle a dispute that comes up on every Costco trip? The Costco soft drink sign advertises $0.59 for a 20 oz. cup "with refill." Does that mean a single refill (a total of 40 oz. of liquid for the price) or does it mean unlimited refills during the time you spend in the store on that trip? (Note that I already know the answer to this and my mind won't change.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can maaaybe see the grape thing (not really), but the bulk bins? Larceny. Also, to me, "with refill" means ONE refill. If they meant unlimited refills, they would have added an "s."

      Delete

Comments make my day.