Friday, January 3, 2014

The New Year's Resolutions You Should Be Making

Turkey bacon lamb avocado provolone tomato masterpiece.

1. Gain ten pounds. Because losing weight is about as fun as being sweaty and pale on an elliptical next to a Latina cheetah-woman in Lululemon. And it may also mean you hate Susan B. Anthony. So here's how to gain ten pounds, from an expert (I accomplished this in the month of December so I'm a professional, DVD coming soon). My five step process: 1) free yourself of your gym membership (blame it on the sub par babysitting), 2) invest in an apocalypse-level stock of Blue Bell ice cream, 3) eat it, 4) develop an obsession with Brach's Milk Maid Caramels, 5) discover cookie butter pancakes. Let's look at how each of those five steps begin to realize how wonderful they are: free, invest, eat, develop, discover. That's pretty much Eat, Pray, Love, but a little better because the word "invest" makes you feel rich even if it actually means you're blowing your grocery budget on ice cream. Because nothing says "loving your body" like treating it like crap.

How you should feel about your post-baby body. You can't tell, but she's holding a bunch of Lindt truffles in her hand.

2. Write fewer letters. Haven't you heard? The price of stamps is going up, and unless you want to go all Boston Tea Party on the USPS, you should just resolve to contact your loved ones in meaningful ways a little less often. Why send a thank you note when a text will do? No matter that Nana only has a land line; she knows you're grateful for the heirloom table linens you decided to sell on Etsy so you could buy the Ikat tablecloth you really wanted from West Elm.

3. Be less disciplined with your finances. Think of all the money you'll be saving by swearing off postage! Use this financial smugness to your advantage and buy whatever your favorite lifestyle blogess just showed off, sans guilt! Think of how cute your baby will look in clothing from a French boutique (Oh! The adorably ugly Peter Pan collars that are going to enter your life!) instead of worrying about how your student loans are growing interest like a loaf of artisan bread grows mold in a humid Houston kitchen. Luxuriate in the scent of your Diptyque candle while ignoring the pounding of your toddler on the door of your only bathroom while he screams "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MOM? I HAVE TO GO POOP!" ... instead of putting money towards a down payment on a bigger house. Living in the moment sometimes means ignoring the future.

Start them young!

4. Complicate. "Simplify" is so 2013. Time to accumulate stuff (may I recommend Target?), overschedule yourself into a chaotic heap of anxiety, and take up dumb hobbies/crafts invented by Pinterest that produce more junk you have to store (I'm talking about you, "sensory bins"). How else are you going to use the Container Store gift card you got for Christmas? We live in a world that invented glitter nail polish that turns red when you go outside. Embrace the crazy.

Nathan says it seems a little "pre-accountability" to him. I say, "GLITTER!"
5. Do the friendly wave when someone does you a favor on the road. I just want you to be grateful, okay? Okay? Acknowledge my benevolence, Houston drivers!!

Happy 2014!!

Nothing says celebration like new church shoes and a party hat.

What New Year's Resolution are you excited to break?

1 comment:

  1. "Pre-accountability" is a great term, Nathan! I like it! (Although, I don't support its use in the glitter situation -- that stuff is cool)

    My new year's resolution this year is to care more about things than people. People bring you disappointment and frustration. Things bring you fleeting pleasure and earthly gain. That's what I'm talkin about.


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