Friday, December 13, 2013

Three Reasons I Am Scrooge

I'm having trouble feeling the Christmas spirit today. Here's why:

1. You know those inflatable, light-up Christmas decorations that people put in their yard? I think they are super tacky, and I see them everywhere. Go back to the Macy's Thanksgiving parade where you spawned! Also, during the day when they are turned off and lying limp across the grass in nylon puddles, they look like sad Christmas pelts abandoned by a taxidermist halfway through a stuffing. I hope they catch on fire ... and then a tasteful wooden nativity scene rises like a phoenix from the ball of melted snowman skin.

Ok, this one might be awesome.

2. The WestJet commercial. I saw it posted on Facebook with something like "If this doesn't make you cry tears of chocolate milk and restore your faith in humanity and make you adopt a shelter dog ... you have no heart." Sign me up for the donor waiting list because, while it made me smile, all I could see was brilliant marketing ploy. Those sneaky Canadians, disguising a major PR blitz as a feel-good Christmas video. I want to know what they did for the kid who told Santa he wanted his parents to get back together for Christmas (they didn't include him in the video because he was such a downer). Did they wrap up a copy of The Five Languages of Love for him to read his parents? Or what about the boring-Bob who asked for socks and underwear? He smiled on camera, but I'm guessing that inside he was beating himself with a child-sized candy cane for not asking for something cool. Props to the kid who wasn't afraid of his greed and requested a tablet. I bet he was American.


3. Today while grocery shopping, someone jacked my freshly-rented Redbox movies out of my cart. That's going to cost me 29 large orders of waffle fries. I'm so ticked. I'm not willing to consider that they simply fell out of my cart and will get returned, because my heart is a few sizes too small for that kind of goodwill. Now I'll never get to see Anchorman or Turbo. Family movie night is ruined, not only because of the purloined DVDs, but also because I forgot to buy bacon. How can I make my new favorite pizza ever (loaded baked potato) without bacon?! That's right, I can't.

The good news: tomorrow I'm narrating the Christmas program at our church party, and I'm using this as inspiration for my look:

I call it, "Silver Candlestick."
Just kidding. I'm probably going to be hidden behind the green velvet stage curtains, wearing a dress upcycled from an inflatable Rudolph lawn ornament.
 

6 comments:

  1. Kimber, I'm a inflatable lawn decoration hater too. Eww--but Calvin loves them. Also, having my redbox movies stolen would make me pretty grinch-y too.

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  2. I agree with all the above. But I wish you really did have that dress, because that would be awesome!

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  3. Ugh, a stolen redbox??? That is just cruel. I usually try to put some sentimental holiday spin on stuff like that so that I don't ruin my own Christmas. Perhaps your dvds were snatched by the small child from the Christmas Shoes song (btw, I cannot stand that song because I have a black heart) who wanted his mother to have her last wish of wearing new shoes while watching Anchorman.

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    1. Good idea. Or maybe they were snatched from my cart from an angel who didn't want me watching crap like Anchorman ... too bad I just rented it from another redbox. We watched it on our clearplay and about one out of four jokes were cut out. I should have listened to the angel.

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  4. I am also a grinch. I hate those inflatable lawn ornaments. I don't listen to the fancy Christmas music. I hate thieves. Boo. Merry Christmas.

    Pudding cake is just cookie layer, cream cheese layer, pudding, whipped topping, and skor bars. It's disgusting.

    Wrestle doll..nothing kinky. He just needs an outlet for his playful, obnoxious energy at times. You know, the younger sibling energy. You probably see your kids displaying it at times. I bet a pillow would work.

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    1. Pudding cake sounds DELICIOUS!

      I want a wrestle doll for my toddler. Maybe then he wouldn't jump out of bed ten times a night.

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