Monday, November 4, 2013

Zombie Preparedness for Mothers

I was on a run last week, when I started thinking, "Oh my heck ... whhhhhhy am I doing this? I hate being in shape. I just want to be fat and full of waffle fries and perfectly happy. I'm not required to run three miles in my everyday life, so why am I pushing myself to be in shape to a level that I don't really need? As long as I can carry my baby and my groceries, run after my toddler, and walk up seven flights of stairs when I get lost trying to find a friend's apartment, I should be good, right? Why maintain a level of fitness that is completely unnecessary to my lifestyle?"

Then it occurred to me: zombies.

Goo.

One good reason to pursue a level of physical fitness beyond the needs of my everyday lifestyle is to prepare for the unknown--and that unknown could include the apocalypse/epidemic that leads to the earth becoming overrun by the undead, and I should be prepared to adapt to my new role as "prey." I've gotta be fast if I want to outrun an "I am Legend"-style zombie. And strong if I plan on carrying my cherubim while I run.

This got me thinking about all the things I should be doing as a mother to prepare myself and my children for the apocalypse.

1. Physical fitness (already described above). Get in shape, or be zombie bait!

2. Breastfeeding. If all the public service ads haven't convinced you yet that the breast is best ... let me. If our civilization crumbles, you know what will be hard to have constant access to? Clean water, and therefore clean formula. Even if you did have clean water, imagine securing and transporting any meaningful supply of those heavy tins. Nursing your baby means that as long as you scavenge enough food for yourself, you'll always have sterile food for your baby. And it will be warm, which will be a nice luxury for your baby in the midst of the horror that is the end of the world. So all you short-sighted formula-feeding moms out there, don't come crying to me when the zombies come knocking on your waterline. The end is near.

Zombie proof.

3. The Quiet Game. If you are dealing with zombies that become frenzied by sound (i.e. World War Z-style), then being quiet is a skill that you must teach your children. We use "the Quiet Game," where the last one to make any noise wins. In the real world, the last one to make any noise would avoid death long enough to make it to the survivor's colony.

Ruby understands she needs to take extra precautions to prevent dangerous, if adorable, cooing.

4. Obedience. As if well-behaved children wasn't incentive enough, let's add "survival" to the list of benefits to teaching your children when to shut up and do what they're told. I say "shut up" because when you're looting the RadioShack at the mall and there's a pack of zombies in the Forever 21 next door, you want kids who won't whine when you tell them what kind of batteries to cram into their backpack. Sometimes kids have great reasons to question the instructions they're given, but they need to learn to respect your serious face and obey immediately when the time comes ... and it's coming.

5. Flexible palate (i.e. not picky). The child who will only eat granola bars (she exists; I've met her) will be one of the first to die when the zombies take power, whereas the child with a less narrow dietary schema will survive, content to munch the mildewed carrot his mother found in the clenched fist of the half-eaten Kroger produce manager. You can discourage finickiness in many ways, but I've found hunger to be one of the best teachers. Graham eats what I've prepared or he doesn't eat at all. He'll thank me when his peers are collapsing around him for want of goldfish crackers, and the distraction provided by their demise allows him to outrun the zombies.

This is the face he makes when he likes something.

Be a good parent: start preparing for the inevitable. Because you don't want this:

Zombie Graham!


3 comments:

  1. What happened to digame? I liked it! I also like the new one and maybe most of your readers don't speak spanish. Great post as always! I am keeping my baby little so that she is easier to haul around quickly if needed. :)

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  2. I have never been worried about zombies before, but I definitely appreciate the benefits of preparing for the worst. Maybe the threat of zombies actually would cure my kids' picky eating! Thank you :)

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