Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Poodle Reviews Movie Magic Powers

First off, to explain my lack of blogging ... I blame a horrid thing called "the first trimester." Yes, if you didn't know already, we are expecting child #2 in the middle of next May. Great news, but a sucky prognosis in terms of my ability to eat. While I think I'm starting to feel a better (unlike last time, which was 9 months of Zofran-tamed YUCK), the last few months still tormented my life with nausea, exhaustion, and an unwelcome apathy that crushed my desire to blog, buy healthy food, or do laundry (sorry, Nate!).

So to all those pregnant moms who are crossing their fingers that an actual, potentially-cute baby (sorry, but some babies are funny looking=truth) will result from all the months of puke and sweat pants, I testify that it might, as I've only done it once before. And I salute you. Now go buy some gummy vitamins so you can stop puking while trying to swallow those cardboard-flavored horse pills.

Ok, back to blogging:

I love movies that have any element of magic/super powers. I like some supernatural abilities more than others. Below, I catalog the powers I'd like most from some random movies I love or have seen recently.

Harry Potter: Honestly, the spell I wish I could use the most often is "accio," the summoning charm. I mutter it under my breath more frequently than I'd like to admit. Does this reveal my laziness or lack of imagination? I mean, "avada kedavra" is powerful and all, but "accio" just seems like it would handle more of my day-to-day problems, like getting off the couch to grab my computer or having to walk to the fridge for a Jell-o pudding cup.


X-Men: telekinesis ... so basically "accio" again, but with more direction.

Accio garbage truck!

Batman: Yeah, yeah, technically he has no super powers ... except for money (counts in my book). But the power of Batman's that I wish for the most is the awesome soundtrack to his life. Hans Zimmer--please come compose my score. I just saw the third Batman ... it is now my favorite movie, half because of the awesomeness of the music. Awesome Batman + awesome music = Celestial Kingdom in a non-blasphemous way.

Oh, Hans, you sly devil!

Snow White and the Huntsman: Disclaimer: I knew going into this movie that there would be serious flaws, because in any production where the person making decisions thinks that in any universe Kristen Homewrecker Stewart could be fairer than Charlize Theron ... there's going to be a lot of other problems. And there were. Most of them were connected to Snow White's perma-grimace, which perhaps had something to do with how fifteen years of her life were spent in near-solitary confinement--her only behavior during that time depicted as reciting the Lord's prayer while fiddling with two little voodoo-looking doll characters I'm sure meant to represent her dead parents ... which would have been great if the religious theme was referenced in any way throughout the rest of the movie. But it wasn't, so I would have rather seen some Batman-esque prison workouts to the tune of "when (not if) I break out of here I'm going to rip Charlize Theron's gorgeous head off to atone my lustful father who was dumb enough to have a one-day engagement to a crazy lady he found in the back of a cart" (insert montage of pull-ups, push-ups, the like). Except in the end there was no ripping off of heads ... this movie had the most anticlimactic villain death scene ever. I kept waiting for the evil queen to revive so Snow White could really do the job ... but she didn't. But what I am I talking about? The super power I want from this movie: the ability to charm magical white reindeer, because really that's all she had going for her. Or else I would want the Huntsman's axe skills ... or else Charlize's milk bath.

"Will you help me conquer the queen??" "Not really, but I've got branches for antlers so that's cool."
What movie magic/super power do you want most?