Friday, July 15, 2011

Perning Kangs

You all know how much of a refined foodie I am. Because, come on, I have Dijon mustard in my fridge. Right next to my Newman's Own Oil and Vinegar salad dressing. Because what's more posh than oil and vinegar? So simple, so understated, so "refrigeration not necessary." But there it is, in my fridge, because I would just feel weird (shudder) with an opened bottle of salad dressing in my pantry. Weird I say!

On this Foodie Friday I will be gracing you with something more sweet to the palate than my tricked-out bon Appetit-worthy condiments.

I give you, Perning Kangs.

Top-secret recipe (sorry for spilling the family secret, Mom)

The players: (Pay close attention, these are complicated.)


1. Box of Jell-O Brand Cook & Serve Chocolate Pudding: It doesn't matter which size ... get the bigger one if you want more. Tricky, I know. I get the bigger one because I like leftovers. Also, don't get all lame and buy the "Great Value" crap. Even though I buy Great Value for pretty much everything else and really don't believe there is a noticeable difference for most things, I think there should be some upper-class integrity to a Perning Kang (keeping it foodie here). Also, every good human hates Wal-Mart, probably because they are an excellent example of capitalism at work. I just hate it when the American dream works out and companies flourish.

"Buy my pudding!" "Heck, no!"

2. Needed amount of milk for pudding: The higher the fat content, the more delicious your Perning Kang will be. Duh!

3. Cheap vanilla ice cream: Isn't the cheap ice cream less delicious? For all other purposes, perhaps, but not for Perning Kangs. I suspect it's because cheap ice cream relies on artificial thickening ingredients to reproduce that thick creaminess found naturally in superior ice creams. What this means is that as the cheap ice cream melts, it retains a more desirable thickness, whereas premium ice creams become more liquid as they melt. Also, I like to eat my Perning Kangs as fast as possible, so I'm not exactly savoring each bite of pricey ice cream like I would if I were eating ice cream alone.

The exact kind I used last night. Note the friendly spokescow.

The script:

1. Make the pudding, and keep it hot. Until last night, I always cooked my pudding on the stove, but the constant stirring gets old really fast. I tried it in the microwave last night, and it was just fine. Yeah, yeah, microwaves may kill some of the nutrients or whatever, but guess what? I'm eating ice cream smothered in pudding--do I care about nutrients as I shovel this glorious mixture into my face? That's a big, high-fat NO.

2. Scoop the ice cream. Come on ... give yourself another scoop. If you are a Perning Kang veteran, you may want to scoop your ice cream first and then put it back in the freezer so it is the maximum hardness when the next, glorious step is performed.

3. Pour hot pudding over the ice cream.

4. Eat like mad!

This stuff is good. Each bite is a mix of hot and cold, chocolate and vanilla, Darth Vader and Luke. Marvel as the Pangea of ice cream yields to the torrid sea of pudding. As the pudding burns, the ice cream soothes. Yum.

I grew up with my mom eating these ... never the kids, I don't know why. They probably fell into the same category as tapioca pudding: a treat my mom made herself to recover from a day spent enjoying her five beautiful children. I think I finally tasted my own Perning Kang at the worthy age of sixteen. That makes sense, seeing how Perning Kangs are pretty much better than dating.

Why are these called Perning Kangs? Why am I asking so many rhetorical questions in this post? To the former question, the answer is that my family just comes up with weird names for food (ex. Yankee Doodle, Chicken in a Cuddle Blankie, M45, etc.). Mom, is there a story behind the name?

I'll admit, this dessert probably wouldn't make it into bon Appetit. It's basically poor man's fudge over cheap ice cream. But that poor man is satisfied. And he has leftover pudding for breakfast the next day.


  1. I INVENTED PERNING KANGS. I DID I DID I DID!!!!! Don't let your mother try to tell you otherwise, not that she would remember anyway, but it was ME who did it. She made up the name, of that I am quite certain, but it was me that invented this epicurean masterpiece. Who cares about the name anyway, a perning kangs by any other name would still put you straight into a insulin coma.
    And the cruelty of the timing of this post! Had I known it was foodie Friday, I would have abstained from Poodle Writes today. I am having a particularly difficult day today, but alas, I cannot fall back on my old standby of eating perning kangs until I pass out--by the way, how on earth do you have leftovers?? I must turn to another coping mechanism--reading blogs--and what do I find here?? An evil blast from my morbidly obese past, staring up at me from my computer screen. Taunting. Teasing. Torturing.
    Oh the beauty of perning kangs. The crack-like beauty of cold sugar and fat drowning in a molten sea of hot sugar and fat. *Sigh*
    Instead, I must think of the Shepherd's Pie I just made for dinner--from scratch, of course, chock full of carrots, and celery, and onions, and garlic, and yellows (summer squash, your family isn't the only family to give weird names to food) and Penzey's smoked Spanish Paprika. And then in honor of foodie Friday, I'm going to go and make a Cherry Clafouti. So there.

  2. You kids never got perning kangs because 1 box of pudding just about boils over in the microwave. (winkwink)Obviously Perning comes from pudding, but I have NO idea about Kangs. And for the record, I would spell it Kengs. And yes, you have me pegged with the reason for eating tapioca pudding. I ate it every day as a freshman in college in the cafeteria. Every single day. That tells you how great my freshman year was...NOT.

  3. And don't forget that the ice cream has to be very hard, and the chocolate has to be chocolate, not chocolate fudge or some such nonsense.

  4. blast from my morbidly obese past just became my favorite saying ever lololol


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