Thursday, July 21, 2011

Lessons from a Mediocre Housewife: Kitchen Edition

I make the mistakes so you don't have to!

I've discovered the sinister natures of four seemingly docile foods. After extensive time in the field, here are my notes:

"G'day mate. I have an ugly hump on me back and I'm a crotchety old fish."

Fish: If you had fish for dinner--any kind of fish--count on doing the dishes that night. Don't heed the seductive, oily voice of procrastination and let them wait until the morning. Unless, of course, you want to wake up to an olfactory sensation akin to having Shamu's damp, mildewed beach towel wrapped around your face.

"You may say I'm a cleaner, but I'm not ..." -John Lemon

Lemons: Lemons are touted as one of nature's best cleansing agents, but don't be deceived. If you try hard enough, they will stain. Like if you roll and smash them on your counter top in an effort to ready them to be juiced by hand because you don't have a juicer and strawberry lemonade just sounds so good ... there will be permanent yellow smudges on your counter. Your rented counter.

Oat plant that looks like it's growing alien larvae

Oatmeal: I've discovered the new superglue: dried oatmeal. Oatmeal is like the antithesis of a gremlin. Similar to how you don't want to get the little critters wet or they spawn evil, you don't want to let oatmeal dry out ... I'll let you imagine the horrific creature that starts to parasitically consume your bowls and spoons.

Some peppercorns in the woods. Mmm, spicy.

Pepper: If you run out of peppercorns and your pepper grinder/dispenser is empty, don't refill it with already ground pepper, unless you want to find a little pile of pepper droppings left behind every time you move the pepper shaker.

Learn from my unwisdom. Don't underestimate the ingredients in your kitchen. Respect them, and they will respect you. Maybe.

1 comment:

  1. Are you sure those are peppercorns? They look like deer poop, which you also wouldn't want to put in your pepper grinder.


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